Celebrating A .3% BAC (And Still Coherent!)
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Kol Jachter
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Celebrating A .3% BAC (And Still Coherent!)
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Kol Jachter
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A [THIS WORD DELETED BY
RABBI JACHTER] Publication of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission
The Festival of Lotteries 6-11-15-23-24-34-27 [Powerball!!]
This Week's Jackpot: $2 zillion
This year, as in the past several years, Kol Torah has decided not to publish a Purim issue. (Especially after that Ma’ayanot thing.) That means that what you are currently reading does not actually exist and is simply a hallucination caused by an excess of alcohol.
In This Issue:
Sanchan S. Rastaman
Anonymous Submission
The Correct-O-Matic®
Gadol of the Week
Rude Thoughts
Gematria Corner
As the Grogger Turns
The Kol Torah Home Game
Leniency of the Week
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This
week’s issue of Kol Jachter has
been sponsored by |
Barney and Friends
by Sanchan S. Rastaman
A wise man once told his grandson, “Sonny, there are
always two sides to a story,” meaning that when you and your siblings go to
your parents with a quarrel and your parents have to hear “both sides of the
story,” they’re just being fair. So
here’s a question: Why doesn’t Haman have a say in the Purim story?
I mean, sure we have to write him off as a Rasha because of the whole
“look at me, I’m going to kill all the Jews” thing, but did we ever stop
to think if deep down inside he really was a good guy?
Maybe he had some good intention or other?
Although unlikely, it is possible. We
only hear Mordechai’s side of the story; is that really fair?
In answering this question, I believe we must consider the following.
1) Haman was an Amalek dude and the Holy Torah commands us to stamp out
the name of Amalek/kill them. 2)
Haman really did want to kill all of the Jews.
3) They made a rule that anybody wearing a funky hat with three corners
does not have a say in any argument they may or may not be the center of.
So no, I do not think we should stop even for a second to consider that
maybe Haman’s side of the Purim story is worth listening to, and yes, I
believe we are completely justified in making fun that he is pushing up daisies
somewhere in Iran and we are reading a student publication safe and sound in the
United States of America. (Soon to
be the United States of Rabbi Jachter, bwahahahaha!!!!)
If
it is any consolation to him, the PBS (Channel 13) program, Barney, dedicated a
song from their most enjoyable (cough) show to him.
The song goes as follows, “My hat, it has 3 corners.
3 Corners has my hat. And
had it not 3 corners, it would not be my hat.”
As you go around in the song, you take away another word from the lyrics
each time you finish the round. It
ends up sounding like “mmmm mm mmmm, mmmm mmmm mm, mmm mmm mmm, mmm, mmmm mmmm.” (It’s quite a lively jig, if I do say so myself.)
This is a very appropriate method of singing the song because we are in
effect erasing the name of Amalek (a commandment from our Holy Torah) from the
song every time we sing it. So
parents, I guess what I’m trying to say is: If your kids watch Barney on
Purim, it’s not the end of the world.
Super
Bowl XLVIII: Part CLXVII of MCCLXVIII
Contributed on Condition of Anonymity
This week we will continue our discussion of Halachot related to the
Super Bowl. We will continue to
answer your questions.
Do We Say Tachanun on Super Bowl
Sunday?
Of course not! A Chassidic
Rabbi was asked this same question. He
responded, “Of course we would not say Tachanun on Super Bowl Sunday!”
His disciples asked him, “Don’t you believe that one is not allowed
to watch television?” This issue
has still not been resolved.
What if Super Bowl Sunday Falls
Out on Shabbat?
That’s a really stupid question, but we’ll deal with it anyway. Watching the Super Bowl is a Mitzvah from the Torah, as the
Torah says, “Regalim Tachog Li Bashanah,” “You shall celebrate feet for me
once a year.” The Gemara
(Masechet Lombardi 12a) derives from this Pasuk that one must watch the Super
Bowl. Therefore, if watching the
Super Bowl is a Mitzvah, and there is a Lo Taaseh of violating Shabbat by
turning on one’s television, then we could apply the principle of “Aseh
Docheh Lo Taaseh,” “A positive commandment overrules a negative
commandment.” Perhaps you are
saying that there is also a positive commandment regarding Shabbat, and a
positive commandment does not overrule both a positive and a negative
commandment. Perhaps you are not the person writing this article.
Perhaps I am. Perhaps you should listen to me and stop coming up with your
own “Chidushei Torah.” Perhaps
you should acknowledge that I am infinitely more intelligent than you are,
especially because you asked, “What if Super Bowl Sunday falls out on
Shabbat?”
Do I Also Have To Watch the
Commercials?
Well, that depends on the commercial.
Some commercials, like beer commercials, may not be missed for any
reason, because the viewer will ultimately decide (after seeing some grotesque
scene) that the commercial really makes him want to go out and buy a 6-pack of
beer. This will, of course, cause
him to enjoy the Mitzvah of watching the Super Bowl more (fulfilling Ivdu Et
Hashem Besimcha), since what is better than drinking beer and watching grown men
attack each other at the 30-yard line?
How Big Should My TV Be?
That’s a controversial issue. One
modern Posek ruled based on the Mishnah in Succah that says that a Lulav must be
at least 4 Tefachim so that one can shake it. This Posek (who wanted to remain anonymous in this article)
said that if a referee were to make a bad call, it would be imperative upon
every Jew to immediately display his anger at the referee. One method for doing so would be to shake one’s television.
Therefore, this Posek rules that one’s television should be at least 4
Tefachim so that, if necessary, one would be able to noticeably shake it.
(I am getting a 10% commission at your nearest electronics store, whose
name I am not allowed to mention in this article, but let’s just say it’s on
Route 4, and you can call me for directions.)
Is a Person Excused From Watching
the Super Bowl If His Friend (Who Has Eaten His 18th Hoagie) Needs
Someone To Perform the Heimlich Maneuver?
There is a very heated debate about this issue in modern Halachic works.
The majority of Poskim believe that this can only be done during the
commercials (unless the commercials are the important part; this is also subject
to debate). Therefore, these Poskim suggest that if someone were choking
during the Super Bowl, then the appropriate thing to do would be to say, “Hold
on, I’m watching the Super Bowl now, but when there’s a commercial, I’ll
be happy to help you.” The
American Red Cross disagrees.
Next week, we will discuss the Halachot of the Super Bowl pre-game.
The
Correct-o-matic
From the people who brought you Yichud
Breakers
Imagine this scenario: It’s
a fast day, and you’re listening to the 13-year old Baal Koreh make a fool of
himself. Suddenly, you hear him
make a mistake. Unfortunately,
though, you have a severe case of laryngitis, and you have to make a
presentation later that day about the extreme importance of being Machmir.
If only you could yell at the Baal Koreh and prove, once and for all,
that you are a more proficient Baal Koreh than he. Too bad. Then,
you remember! You reach into your
pocket and pull out The Correct-o-matic®, the automatic Baal Koreh
corrector! You press the Correct!™
button and it promptly yells, at a whopping 100 decibels, “Ha!
You just made a mistake! You
idiot! You couldn’t lain if your life depended on it!”
Saved again by The Correct-o-matic®.
The Correct-o-matic® is so powerful, it even picks up mistakes in
emphasis! Now, you’ll never have
to scream in order to embarrass the Baal Koreh.
The Correct-o-matic® is made from a titanium alloy and requires
two AA batteries. (Coming soon to
locations near you – The Correct-o-matic® for Shabbos and Yom Tov!)
But that’s not all! Look at all
you get with your Correct-o-matic®:
·
You have our guarantee that if The Correct-o-matic® ever fails to
make a Baal Koreh break down in tears, you’ll get a full refund, no questions
asked!
·
The
Correct-o-matic®
has new SilentSense™ technology that automatically notices when the Baal Koreh
has momentarily stopped reading. It
automatically reads the next word – so now, even if the Baal Koreh knows what
he’s doing – you can still make him look like a fool!
Gadol
of the Week: The Genericer Rav
The Genericer Rav was born in 1627 in the small town
of Kiev, Poland. He showed signs of
being a Gadol from an early age. When
he was two months old, an older man asked him to please get a Masechet Shekalim.
The Rav replied, “Bavli or Yerushalmi”?
The man replied, “Foolish child! There
is only a Yerushalmi on Shekalim!” The
young Gadol replied, “Yes, but I know enough that if there were a Bavli on
Shekalim, I would know what it said.” Everyone
in the room beamed and immediately started praising the child.
When he was 17, the Genericer Rav began to learn in Kollel. Every day he learned he got up at 2 a.m., learned for 9
hours, davened Shacharit, learned for another 15 hours, davened Mincha, learned
for another 7 hours, then davened Maariv, ate a small dinner of rice wheels and
cottage cheese and learned for 7 hours, finally going to sleep at 1 a.m.
(Some say that the Rav made use of his vast knowledge of Qabbalah in
accomplishing this feat.)
Eventually, the Genericer Rav got married to a much younger woman wearing a
Sheitel. One day, a poor man came
to the door asking for a Bracha of Parnasa.
The Rav said, “I pray that you become sick and unable to leave the
house.” The man became furious
and left. The Rav’s wife asked
him, “Why did you pray for such a terrible thing?”
The Rav answered, “I saw in a dream last night that the Publisher’s
Clearinghouse Sweepstakes camera crew would show up at this man’s door, but he
would not win the $30 million jackpot because no one would be home. Now, the man will be forced to stay home.”
One day, the Rav was traveling on a train from Poland to Brazil.
Sitting next to him was a man who was not aware of the Gadlus of the Rav
sitting next to him. The man
offered the Rav a beer. The Rav
responded, “If only your soul were as clear as that beer.”
On his deathbed, the Rav requested a piece of cheese.
His disciples asked, “Why do you want cheese?”
The Rav responded, “Because it is Swiss cheese, so it must be holy.” The Rav’s disciples realized that only a great Gadol such
as the Genericer Rav could get away with such a stupid pun.
The
Genericer Rav passed away in 1931, and his more than 300 trillion disciples
attended the funeral. Some report that you could see the Rav floating in the air,
laughing and saying, “That cheese was so moldy, but I will be rewarded for the
pain that I endured in eating it.”
Rude Thoughts
by Plato, the Talking Karp
6 Questions
Time: Toch Kidei Dibur… Time’s Up!
Section I: Multiple Choice:
1)
The Megillah says that one is supposed to send Mishloach Manot “Ish
Lireehu.” This includes:
a)
Your friends
b)
People who sent to you, but to whom you did not intend to send.
c)
Everyone in your shul (for $180)
d)
The shul Rabbi
2)
Why didn’t Achashverosh just e-mail all the people in his empire to
tell them not to kill the Jews?
a)
His Internet provider was down
b)
Because we didn’t have e-mail back then.
You know, son, back then, things were different.
I had to walk to school in the blinding snow at the crack of dawn.
It was 30 miles – uphill, both ways.
In fact, we didn’t have roads. With
all your newfangled e-mail gadgets, you don’t have time for the important
things in life – like hard work and dedication.
That’s what kids need these days, hard work and dedication.
Why, when I was your age, we used to milk the cows at 3 a.m.
In fact, they weren’t real cows – we couldn’t afford real cows.
We just took sheep and put them on ladders to pretend they were cows.
Try sending a cow through the e-mail, that’s what I think.
c)
Microsoft Outlook does not allow people to send e-mails that big, unless
you pay a $20 a month fee. Achashverosh
had already spent all his wealth on MSN.
3)
Which character in the Megillah should win the Oscar for best supporting
actor/actress?
a)
Vashti – they love villains
b)
Charvonah – in one Pasuk, he makes such a dramatic performance
c)
The tree – it was very supportive (Ha!)
Section II: Essay Questions:
1) From our “EmPHAsis on the Wrong SyLLAble Department”: The second verse of Megillat Esther says that King Achashverosh’s chair was floating in “Shushan Habirah,” literally, “Shushan Beer.” Where is Shushan Beer manufactured? Is it alcoholic? Where can I get it?
2) What song was sung when Esther married Achashverosh? Was it, “Here she comes, Miss Shushan”?
3) Did Haman have triangular ears? Were his ears filled with jelly? How did the kids in first grade make fun of him?
If you have a response to these
questions, please contact us at president@whitehouse.gov
(You can expect an automatic e-mail.)
Seriously, when have we ever published your responses?
Gematria Corner That’s Not In a Corner
by Someone With Too Much Time
Every week, three students write for Kol Torah.
Often, they write very offensive articles, and they arouse much anger in
our readers. This can be alluded to
in a Gematria. The product of three
times the Gematria of the word חימה,
anger, which is 64, is 192. Each
issue of Kol Torah has an article written by a רב
in the school, and a Food For Thought, as well as an article by Rabbi Jachter.
If one adds up the Gematria of רב
(202), אכל
(51), and ג'קטר
(312), the sum will be 565. Add
this to 192, and the difference is 757. Subtract
10, for the Aseret Hadibrot, since at least one typographical error in Kol Torah
will cause our readers to completely misinterpret the Halacha (it’s not
cheating if it’s true), and you get 747, the Gematria of קול
תורה.
This Week On the Frum Network
As The Grogger Turns
Reuven and Shimon are brothers. Reuven
marries Rachel and Shimon marries Leah. Rachel
and Leah are sisters. But then,
Shimon is killed in a freak car accident. Now
Reuven is forced to marry Leah. But
how can he marry two sisters? Then,
Levi shows up in town. Reuven is
not too bright, so he doesn’t realize that Levi is going to turn out to be his
brother. When Levi reveals this
information to Reuven, Reuven falls into a coma.
Then, Leah tells Levi that she has a darker side of her past.
Levi can’t deal with this, so he tells Rachel.
Then, Reuven wakes up with amnesia and wants to kill Levi.
But Levi has already married Rachel!
Now, Reuven marries Sarah, who turns out to be Rachel’s daughter, and
Reuven’s evil twin! What will
happen when Reuven finds out? Will
he try to kill Levi and Sarah, or will he skip town and find a place where he is
not related to anyone? Find out, on
the next episode of “As the Grogger Turns.”
Now Back By
Popular Demand: The Kol Torah Home Game!
Yes, that’s right! Now, you can enjoy printing your own version of Kol Torah
right in the privacy of your own home! Do
you want to be the writer? The
editor? The printer? The distributor? Rabbi
Jachter? Well, now you can!
The object of the game is to see who can print Kol Torah the fastest.
But make sure you get a sponsor, or you’ll have to pay for the issue
yourself! Also, watch out, because
the folding machine can break when you least expect it!
(Available at most toy stores)
Leniency of the Week
One may eat non-kosher food as long as he does not enjoy it.
If he does enjoy eating non-kosher food, he should try to limit his
consumption of non-kosher food to Sundays and Thursdays.
Staff (Volumes 1-13):
Editors-in-Chief Demeritus: Shooooooky,
Reb Effay
“Editors-in-Chief” [ha-ha]: Avi
“Avi” Rosenbaum, Simcha “Simcha” Tropp
Responsible For All Mistakes:
frodo,
Samwise, Willbo Baggins (Gingy #1)
Extortionists: OBJ, Ziggy
Cutting Class This Friday: Winky!,
Andy Feuerstein-Friedman-Green-Katzellenbogen-Schwartz-Stein-Goldberg-Rudin
Gets Us Cash – Fast:
Blue Man Group
Unemployed: Dunkin’ Dunietz,
Ken Batz, Gingy #2, Rossman (really unemployed)
Spiderman: Cappy
Thanks For Allowing Us To Do This:
Rabbi Chaim Jachter
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http://www.koljachter.org/futility/stupidity/purimTorah
The
publication you have just seen was Purim Torah.
The names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.
Please throw this away into the nearest nuclear waste container, because
it will self-destruct in 5 seconds.