Purim 5770

From the editors: we are taking a week off. This is what we have to deal with every week, so when you see Shimon and Levi writing an article, now you know why. Hopefully this will make you appreciate Kol Torah every week and Good Humor (or Häagen-Dazs®).
Note all these articles were written and (not) edited during the Purim Seudah while being MeKayaim the Mitzvah of Ad DeLo Yada.

Rabbi Moshe Tzvi Weinberg
Tales Retold by Yonah Rossman

Mi SheNichnas Adar Marbim BeSimcha
Young Rav Yehoinasan Eibushitz was at home one Rosh Chodesh Adar. In the Same house was Rav Yonasan father. The rav’s father was learning about the holiday of Purim when he started hearing loud noises from his son’s room. All of a sudden, it got so loud it could have been a bomb or tornado. So, the father figured: “That’s great, my child really knows how to be Marbim Besimcha; I just wonder what he’s doing to make himself happy.” So the father walks to the room. All of a sudden everything gets silent. The son is sitting on the edge of his bed apparently trying to make himself cry. The father, in shock, decided to ask: “What’s going on in here?” The son looks back at the father and quickly responds:

“What do you mean, I was having a party. Mi SheNichnas Adar Marbim Besimcha!”
“So why did you stop,” the bamboozled father replied.
“Isn’t it obvious? Mi SheNichnas AV Me’atim BeSimcha!”
BADUMP-BUMP - TSSSSSSSSS

The Teivah and The Shul
Rav Shamshon Refa’el Hirsch, a known opposing force against the Reform movement was once invited by a Reform rabbi to deliver a sermon at the local Reform synagogue. To the surprise of both the Reform and Orthodox, community the renowned Rav agreed to the visit, which would be an hour-long sermon. While on a tour of the Reform synagogue, Rav Hirsch was asked what he thought of the synagogue. He responded: “It reminds me of Noach’s Teivah.” Very exited to hear this, the Reform Rabbi exitedly asked the great Rav what such connection he saw. Rav Shamshon Refa’el Hirch promptly responded: “It’s filled MiBayit UMiChutz BaKofer!” CUE TOMATOES
Haman times two!?!

Everybody knows that during the Megillah reading on Purim, everybody makes a lot of noise. The reson for this is well known – to erase the name of Haman from this world. However, this would seem counterintuitive as every time Haman’s name is mentioned, it is not heard, so the person reading the Megillah says it again. This means that instead of Haman’s name being mentioned in the Megillah 54 times, it is mentioned 108 times every year. So why do we do this? The number 108 is the Gematria of the Geihenom. As if to say we want to send Haman to Geihenom.

The Bris Where the Grandma Stormed Out
By Shimmy Liebling

Rav Baruch Mordechai was the rabbi of a great (as in really old and big) shul some place in nowheresville, Lithuanalatvibelarustonia. The Rav had a congregation of tens of thousands in one of the largest shuls of the time. Almost every day, there was a wedding. Almost every day, there was a funeral. Almost every day, there was a Bris. Of course Rabbi Mordechai would be in charge of leading all of these ceremonies. The Brisim where the funnest though; and this is why. Every time there was a Bris, Rav Mordechai had to choose a name for the baby, so he would pick a topic in that weeks parsha and that would be the name. So Shabbos Parshat Mashpatim a baby was born. Now being that the parsha mentions witches, the name chosen by Rabbi Baruch Mordechai was Chasheifah, meaning a witch. Immediately following the naming however, the father could be seen approaching the Rav with tremendous anger in his eyes.

“How can you name him that…
MY MOTHER IN LAW IS STILL ALIVE!”

Faulty Faith? (In Text-ish)
by Shlomo Klapper

d Torah st8z dat Noach went N2 d Teivah "MiPenei Mei HaMabul," "due 2 d waters of d flood" (Bereishit 7:7). Rashi cmnts on dis Pasuk dat "Af Noach MiKetanei Amanah Hayah, Maamin VeEino Maamin SheYavo HaMabul," "Noach, 2, wz 1of doze of lil faith; he belevd, bt didn't bleev fully dat d flood w%d actuly come." thus, Noach ddnt Nta d Teivah 'til he saw W hs Iyz dat d waters of d flood had strtd 2 fall. Rashi's xplanatin raises a vry diFicult prob: hw cUd Noach, hu wz d Bgst Tzaddik of hs gNR8N n hs bn vs Avraham (though nt as gr8 as Avraham), av evn d smallest doubt dat d wrds of God w%d B fulfilled?

d Oheiv Yisrael puts a +ve spin on dis Pasuk, xplaining dat sturdy, fervent faith n Hashem S vry efectiv n dat it cn mke one's hopes n desires come tru. thus, Noach wz faced W a troubling dilemma. Of corZ Noach belevd dat d wrd of God n God Himself wr omnipotent! cn 1 tnk dat a Tzaddik on d lvl of Noach wudnt bleev dis? hwevr, Noach knw dat, as a Tzaddik, w@ he belevd n had d potential 2 actuly hpn. thus, Noach didn't wn2 bleev 2 strongly dat d Mabul w%d come, sinC praps hs belief w%d cauZ d flood 2 occur! Noach thus chose 2B a "Maamin VeEino Maamin" 'til d waters strtd 2 pour, @ wich point it bcAm clr dat hs belief had nt plAd a r0l n cauzN d Mabul 2 hpn.

Out of The Mailbag
Kol Torah Archives (like all of our faculty articles)

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--The editors

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--Anonymous

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--The editors

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What's with the yellow background on the NEW Kol Torah webpage??? I hear that the funky light patterns may cause epilepsy.
--An annoyed internet addict.

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--The editors

An Introduction to Gematria in English
by Does Anyone Read This Stuff Anyway? a.k.a. D. Shleeean
One of the most invaluable devices in interpreting Pesukim is Gematria, where a number is assigned to each Hebrew letter. For example, in the word Gematria, Gimel = 3, Yud = 10, Mem = 40, Tet = 9, Reish = 200, Yud = 10, and Aleph = 1, for a total of 273, which happens to have the same Gematria as Gara, meaning took away, as in trying to find obscure Gematrias takes away from your time which could be spent doing other Shtus. Now, the English Language Institute of English Language Speakers in English-Speaking Countries (ELIELSESC) has established a system of English Gematria. The rules of this system are as yet unclear, so many absurd conclusions can be reached. The basics are as follows: A=1, B=2, C=642, D=π, etc. In addition, multiplication is used in place of addition in some cases. As such, the total value of this article is roughly equivalent to the square root of the speed of light. Now, we will provide you with some basics with which to wow your friends. iPod = overrated. Post-it = it-Post. President = head honcho.

These examples are so amazing, but they don’t reach to the deeper message of Purim. However, we can prove from the Megillah itself that English Gematria is necessary for the survival of Am Yisrael in Chutz LaAretz. The Pasuk (Esther 7:8) writes, “HaDavar Yatza MiPi,” “The words went out from my mouth.” This implies that in order to speak, the expressions must be in the form of words. As such, only spoken words, not written words, may be in the form of words. Rather, written words must be in numbers. Based on the Halachah of Dina DeMalchuta Dina, the laws of a place are Halachically binding,* we must know English. As such, we must find a numeric system to derive further values for English words. Therefore, the commendable efforts by ELIELSESC are not only significant, but appreciated by Jews in all of English-speaking Chutz LaAretz. Hopefully, by learning the aspects of English Gematria, we may all be Zocheh to see the third Beit HaMikdash, BiMeheirah BeYameinu.

Remez Ha-not-every-week
by Charles W.

According to the Baal Shem Tov, Purim is a Jewish holiday.
The Remez: The Gematria of _____ plus the number of characters in the Purim story is identical to _____ (###). This teaches us a beautiful message…? –this article has not been approved by Nesanel Chaim Bodner nor the Vaad.

Isn’t this so much more confusing on this side of the page!? veNahafachu!!
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