5787/2026
In light of my Grandfather’s first Yahrzeit this past Tuesday, I would like to dedicate this Dvar Torah Le’Ilui Nishmat: Reuven Ben Mordechai:
Sarah Imeinu, the first matriarch of the Jewish people, passed away at the beginning of Parashat Chayei Sarah (23:1). Rashi remarks (ad loc., s.v. Shinei Chayei Sarah) that all of Sarah’s years were equally good. What does it mean for someone’s years to be ‘good’? Good means making an impact, making a difference in the world we live in. This is what Sarah Imeinu exemplified. When there was a need for Hachnasat Orachim, Sarah was there. When she was worried that Yishmael would have a negative Hashpa’ah on Yitzchak, the future of Am Yisrael, she had Yishmael kicked out. Sarah was invested in making the world a better place and protecting the future of Bnei Yisrael.
Thus, the next Pasuk (23:2) has so much more meaning. Avraham returns to Chevron and gives a eulogy for Sarah. Avraham is eulogizing the good of Sarah’s life. This is the locus classicus for Hespeidim in the Torah. What is the nature of a Hesped? The Gemara (Sanhedrin 47a) discusses whose Kavod the eulogy is for. Is it for the Niftar or the Avel? The resolution is that it is for the Niftar. This makes sense. We are sharing the most beautiful aspects of the Niftar. However, death involves a serious period of grief; therefore, the Torah puts in a construct to help the bereaved, that being Shivah. Yet, before Shivah, in a chronological sense, the Meit is brought to the cemetery for burial. Interestingly, a cemetery is called in the Haggahot Chadashot, Rav Yehoshua Tzeitlin’s commentary on the Sefer Mitzvot Katan (Siman 48), a Beit HaChaim, a house of life. Similarly, Rav Yehoshua HaKohen Falk mentions in the Prisha (Yoreh Deah 376:18) that a cemetery is called a Beit HaChaim. This could be for many reasons, perhaps as a euphemistic term (Cf. Pesachim 3a-b) instead of the harrowing term Beit HaKivarot, house of graves. Rather, I would like to offer my own explanation. The term Beit HaChaim is something so intrinsic. Although the Meit passes from Olam HaZeh to Olam HaBah, the Beit HaChaim is for the surviving relatives. The Meit is survived by the living relatives. The lessons that s/he imparts in the world are carried on by all who visit and see the Matzeivah. The Beit HaKivarot is not called a Beit HaMeit; rather, it’s a Beit HaChaim because the emphasis is on the living. The Beit HaChaim gives the relatives a connection to the Meit.
Another outlet for grief is Shivah. The idea of Shivah is a very profound one. It is directly linked to Hespeidim. The Gemara (Moed Katan 27b) teaches that the first three days of Shivah are for crying, and the whole week of Shivah is for Hespeidim. The week of Shivah, like the Hesped, is an opportunity to relive and cherish the ‘good’ parts of the person’s life. Reliving the amazing deeds and care they showed, and truly what made that person special. Rav Jonathan Sacks writes about the relief of Shivah on the mourner, connecting to Parashat Chukat (Judaism’s Life Changing Idea, a Weekly Reading of the Jewish Bible): “We no longer have the red heifer and the seven-day purification ritual, but we do have the Shivah, the seven days of mourning during which we are comforted by others and thereby reconnected with life. Our grief is gradually dissolved by the contact with friends and family who come to wish us well, as the ashes of the heifer were dissolved in the “living water,” and we emerge, still bereaved, but in some measure cleansed, purified, able again to face life”. Shivah is to comfort the mourner, and to help the person grieve. Moreover, Rav Sacks connects Shivah to life (Covenant and Conversation Family Edition): “Shivah pulls the mourner back into the land of the living, preventing them from fixating on their grief and matters of death”. What is the purpose of Shivah? To reconnect the mourner with the living world. What does the name Beit HaChaim do? Refocus the mourner on the living world that the Meit left behind, and the lessons they imparted. The very term, Beit HaChaim, plays a monumental role in a mourner’s world. The term reframes Shivah from being about the Niftar to helping the mourner recover and grieve.
A eulogy is a moment to reflect. Yet, what is more profound than someone reflecting after a person passes from this world? A person reflecting on life. A person doing Cheshbon HaNefesh and asking himself possibly the most important question: “How will I be remembered”? If the purpose of a eulogy is for the Kavod of the Niftar, then shouldn’t you want to have the best eulogy? To achieve that, the most remarkable life is needed. Yet, it’s not about the flashy chessed donations, saying the most captivating Drasha or beautiful Tefillah BeTzibbur. Rather, it is about the small moments, the small donation to the person in need, helping friends out with a Sugya they are learning or davening in Refa’einu for a sick person. The small acts are what make a difference. May we all be remembered in the best of ways!