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Nobody enjoys being rebuked, and most people don’t enjoy rebuking others. Rebuke is an axiom of the Jewish faith. People make mistakes, and we need help to be put back on the path. Through analyzing how the Torah teaches us to rebuke the right way, we learn a fundamental lesson about human nature. In Parashat Kedoshim, the Torah teaches a very insightful lesson, “Lo Tisna Et Achicha Bilvavecha Hocheach Tochiach Et Amitecha Ve’Lo Tisa Alav Cheit “Don’t hate you brother in your heart, and you should rebuke your fellow, and don’t bear a sin because of him” (VaYikra 19:17). Rambam, in the sixth perek of Hilchot Deot, teaches that even though you are rebuking your fellow, you must do so in a caring and non embarrassing way. Towards the end of this week's Parsha, Parashat Vayechi, when Yaakov meets with Reuven, he rebukes him, “Pachaz KiMayim Al Totar Ki Alita Mishkivei Avicha Az”, ““Water-like impetuosity — you cannot be foremost, because you mounted your father’s bed; then you desecrated Him Who ascended my couch” (BeReishit 49:4) . Sifrei Devarim explains that Yaakov was fearful of rebuking Reuven anytime before now, on his death bed. Yaakov was afraid of rebuking Reuven fearing that he would take it too harshly, which would push him towards Eisav. In Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg’s Al Pi Darko, On His Path, Principles in Chinuch from the Weekly Parashah, he mentions Rabbi Chaim Zaitchek’s zt”l explanation of the importance of Yaakov’s timing. On his death bed, his children, specifically Reuven, will be especially receptive to his words of rebuke, and not turned away.
How we rebuke someone, is as important as the rebuke itself. In today's generation, people don’t like criticism. When confronted with criticism, people often shy away from the heat, and build defensive walls that block this criticism. There is an immense lesson we can learn. Imagine the following:
You get a call from your child’s school, never a good sign, and they tell you that you must pick your child up now as he was part of a physical altercation, and he is suspended for three days. When you pick him up, what do you do? The fuming anger inside might be burning, but instead of screaming at him, try act calm, and wait until the next morning to talk to him about what happened. Don’t scream, have a calm conversation. The moment a voice is raised, internal alarms are sounding the alert, and defensive walls are being put up. Try to understand his perspective, and then explain to him how he was wrong, and tell him what he should do next time, and how to avoid a “next time”.
Trying to teach in the moment when you pick him up is a bad idea. His emotions are still raw, and he is still working through mentally on his own what has occurred. In the sefer mentioned above, Rabbi Goldberg related a story of two Yeshiva Bachurim who complained about the drink selection at his Seudat Shabbat. When asking if he should have confronted the boys, and given them a piece of his mind, Rabbi Zaitchek zt”l responded, “Not while they are thirsty”. At the moment when these boys are thirsty, they are similar to the boy who got suspended whose emotions are raw. Nobody enjoys being rebuked, even more so when they are tired, thirsty or still emotional.
When confronted with the opportunity to rebuke someone in the moment, choose to wait, let both parties calm down, and only then rebuke the person. Rebuking someone out of hatred, only sows the formation of defensive walls. To truly rebuke someone, and connect with them, the rebuke must come from a place of love.